Why am I not over myself yet!

SO I no longer have a job as I was laid off 2 weeks ago on my birthday! I have not really let the rel emotions of this set in yet and am afraid how I will act when they finally do. I am playing fine and nothing wrong, and I am happy to be home with the kids but truth is I am not fine or happy. I know it! I am trying to just get my all easy and smooth but I wanna scream inside. I am made to work and do things! I know it sounds odd but I did not bust my ass when I was 16 having a baby so I could have a degree in business management just to fall flat in my face! Why can't I find something from home or something I only have to go into the office like 2 days a week! Does that even exist and if it did how in the hell would I get it! I need direction........Prayer....... Family.........Friends Support..........I need a lot apparently. I really am having a hard time right now and that is not me i need to snap the f*** out of it already! I think a lot of added stress to me is that I am in constant pain! Before the pregnancy I was in pain from the endometriosis, and now my disc in my back so now I have the pain from both almost constant and am still supposed to be peach keen well GAG ME! I am sick of stepping around like Merry Sue for Casey and my 7 yr old tries my patients tremendously! My mother who is non existent to help me through this! And all my friends are going through so much of their own they don't really have time. I am ready for me to be over this already and go back to normal DGAF Jenelle :). Grrrrrrrrrrrrr... Well I do feel better now that I have written it all down a least :) until next time!

I am having some thoughts I need to get out.

So for the past few weeks I have felt very overwhelmed! I have a little boy who will be seven soon and he has a bundle of energy that needs to be met, a three week old who needs constant attention and still need to make time for my husband, our house which looks like a bomb blew up in it and still try to have time for me. The daily duties of running a household are not exactly easy! I find myself feeling angry at others as well. Those who continue to run their mouth about me and who I am. Call me things I most certainly am not! I find myself stressed about Casey being laid off and me not having a full paycheck coming in again till the end of November when my maternity leave ends. I am extremely worried how I will adjust back into the work style of anywhere to 45-55 hours a week and still keep up on things when I am having trouble now while I am home! Ugh.......... Life huh! I want to wake up full of energy and life but that is not happening at all! I wake up and can barely keep my eyes open or get from lazy mode to motivated mode. I have a very hard day coming up tomorrow which entails me going and sitting in a room for hours with the man who took my mothers life. I am very worried about my reaction to this. I have been strong and not cried about this for so long and not let it take over my life at all but now all of a sudden the subject is upon me again and I have to deal with it. My father won't go with me and my sister we are not involving in this matter cause...well....she can be pretty self pitiful about this whole thing. I want this whole thing to just go away. And come to boot the woman who raised me as her daughter and I call mom now (I know it is all very confusing lol) wont even speak to me cause she blew up and is to prideful to apologize (and she is holding my wedding dress ransom like a wacko!) So yes my life sounds pretty dramatic but that's me I guess! I can take anything right that is what everyone keeps saying but I wonder when my time will come that I snap?????? I am trying to give all my problems to God but I find that I even forget to pray lately...why is that I wonder. I want relief! I want a break! I want money to fall into my hands! I want a job that I love! I want to do something that matters! I want to feel secure and taken care of! I really want to be able to just wake up, smile, go about my day with minimal worries. This day will come for me at some point in my future I guess I just need to accept where I am now and know that I can handle it if God dealt it to me. I am strong and can do all this, in time I trust that He will lead the way. I feel better now that I have put this out there.